It's funny how something 2 years ago can feel like something that happened yesterday. Even though you feel like you've been grieving for the past 2 years it arises over again, sometimes worse than others and slowly you discover you have never REALLY grieved and let it go and in my case given it over to God and really understand his ways.
Now i think is the time i am going to officially face the music and let those hurts and questions come to the surface. I will not hold these back but let them fall knowing i have support around me and knowing God wants to heal this wounds and the most important knowing Hannah wants me to be happy and share her story to help save others. I will not let my hurt stand in the way of saving someone else.
it's pretty simple though. It hurts, it's scary and its hard and i have no idea if I will ever be ok with this or if it will be a wound the aches every time i hear of death, depression, sadness or even someone named Hannah. Surely not.
I miss Hannah. My heart breaks because she had only begun her amazing journey and even though her passing has changed many lives her life ahead would have changed many as well. Her music, her coking, her selflessness her ability to be true to herself, her faith and her sweet voice was something that cant be forgotten. Every person who encountered Hannah loved her. She was that extra bright star amongst the rest.
Why her. Why put the heartache of this on a family that has suffered with a severely autistic child, a mother with breast cancer already. Why didn't he come to her rescue. She Seeked christ right up till the moment she took her life. Surely this is not what God wanted. Why didn't he do something? and what about the rest of the world of people who are suffering Depression. Will he stand there and let them suffer and for some watch them take their own life too? I am not angry at God but i just have questions. I have no heart to love him, no hart to worship him for his good.
My Grandma gave me a song called 'Be still and know i am God' when Hannah passed and since then for the past 2 years all i hear from God when i am disorenatated is
BE STILL.
so i will.
I will face these hurdles as they come and be still amongst them. I will not worry and work myself up about this and other things but simply wait for Gods healing, his power, and his peace in my life.
Be still and know that i am God.
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